Nothing is stronger than the will of one

Get a grip, Camy!
No matter what your goal is, you will be able to achieve it as long as you’re willing to work hard and go ALL OUT to achieve it!

A random gift

Was about to get back to mugging but this sudden wave of emotion is starting to colonize my mind so I thought it’d be good for me to talk it out.

Dad came back for dinner and told me that he bought something for me, asking me to take it from sis. I asked him what was it but he just replied, “It’s not what you expect.” I knew it couldn’t be a beats head/earphone although I said I wanted it because it is too expensive. So, in the end, it is a –

Dolphin pendant

You must be thinking, what’s so great about this dolphin pendant for me to be blogging about it?
Well, honestly, this pendant, is absolutely NOT my style of accessory (hence not to my liking), looks really like a religious pendant to me and has one missing dolphin eye and scratches and stains on it that I had to polish with my leather polish to remove them. It is also inexpensive – bought at TAKA Sale.

But as I was polishing it, I was suddenly… grateful and touched.
My dad, seldom initiates to buy stuff for me – and especially stuff like accessories because he thinks they are useless. This pendant came as a surprise, and although it has the most undesirable qualities, it is still a gift from my dad. My dad is such a thrifty man he would never spend money on unnecessary things. Even when he wants to buy things for himself, he will think twice and end up settling for something that serves its function but of low quality. But for me or for the family, I could tell he’s trying his best to satisfy our superficial material needs. Even though at times, he may be childish, make things difficult for me, be unreasonable, have extreme actions, say blunt and hurtful words to me, forget my birthday, be the egoistic Leo and MCP that I cannot take, he is still my dad; and no matter what past mistakes he did, whatever hurt he have inflicted upon me (or my family), at least right now, at this very moment, I know he is trying to give us the best that he can – and I think that is enough.

I suddenly wondered how many of such gifts will I ever receive from him in a lifetime?

As I look at the pendant (and simultaneously spotting more flaws -_-) with playbacks of past events in my mind, I came to a conclusion. This pendant, will be the pendant that I will keep for the rest of my life. I will start collecting and safe-keeping the little things both he and my mum give me, so that when I grow older, I can look back, and be grateful for all the things they have done for me.

Thank you dad, for this very random but cherished gift <3

再见 小时候

有一天我翻开旧旧的相簿
上面写着给最心爱的宝物
里面有我穿幼稚园的制服
还有一张是我妈妈的笑容

突然发现时间变得很仓促
爸爸妈妈变得互相不认输
我放下相簿 头靠着窗户
看着天空视线变模糊

透明糖果罐 （请快融化完）
缤纷的气球 （在离开中飘散）
我们就这样静静牵起了勇敢
隔壁班的女孩（我喜欢的女孩）
她从来不爱我
抽屉还摆着被退回的温柔

再见了小时候 懵懂的我 现在的梦已经成熟
风在朗诵 下课的钟 时光静静的走
鲜嫩的梦 已经熟透
夕阳洒落 让剪影斑驳
旧旧的围墙外头 悄悄围起未来的轮廓

In the end, there’s no reason to pretend.

Feeling really really down after social psych paper. I swear I did study. I read the whole textbook at least twice. Some chapters thrice, some four times – just so that I can remember.

But in the end, I was the only one that felt that the paper wasn’t easy. I thought it was very tricky actually. But the others all said it was easy. Michelle only studied the night before (or so she say) but felt that it was easy too.

Only me.

And I started revision wayyyy earlier.

I read four times. FOUR.FREAKING.TIMES.

Don’t tell me “if still cannot do well then try harder next time” or “If 4 times not enough, then read 5 times, 6 times, until you’re sure you can”.

I know.

But.
You don’t have ANY fucking idea how depressing it is to know that you still can’t ace a paper even after SO much revision. And it really sucks to the core of the earth to know that your effort doesn’t pay off.
And it’s not like I played a lot during sem-time or reading week. Last week alone I spent an average of 12 hours A DAY studying, reading up more journals, researching about things I don’t know/understand.

I really don’t know how long more I can take this. I just keep trying and failing, trying harder and failing once more… and the cycle repeats. When will success come? Will it ever come? D’:

On a more self denial note –

Usually, how I feel about an exam is the opposite of the actual grade. Like last sem when I thought theatre was okay, end up got C+; for this sem Einstein midterms, when I felt that it was very tough and thought I would get a C, in the end I got a B+/B; and when I thought social psych midterms was easy and can get above 75th percentile, in the end I’m only at 50th percentile.

So right now, since I feel so sucky, I should in fact be happy, right? :/

.

But I should just get a grip anyway. Still got two more papers. No point brooding over what’s over. Results will come out on 28 May. Right now I just hope the prof will be kind and lower the cut-off score for A so that more people will do well.

The key word is hope.

Each day for the rest of my life.

“The memory of an insidious comment, as vivid as any physical act of violation, can lodge somewhere within us and become entrenched in our bodies, our breath and our own voices. It becomes an echo in our communication, reverberating in the way we speak… possibly forever.”

…

“What is this? This work is rubbish!”

“Camy got use brain or not?!”

“If even camy can get 17/25, then 17 should be the benchmark for everyone!”

“You’re 18 years old but your IQ is only that of 18 months.”

“You’re so stupid, don’t go and tell people you’re from NUS. Shame on you!”

“This is what you’re like, there’s nothing inside you; no content.”

“If it’s not because I go to temple to pray for you, you think you can make it to university with your IQ?”

…

So, I found out why people always can’t seem to hear me clearly when I speak, and why I’m not assertive enough.
The ‘bryan in me’ tells me if I know why I am like that I can change it if I want to.

Yet.

“Their self-worth has been damaged so dramatically that their usual vocal confidence gradually ebbs away…”

It’s not easy, you know.

Because it is my unconscious protection, my coping mechanism.

Sometimes I can’t understand myself.

Usually, people will take modules that they are good at because they know that they can excel in them. But I take modules based on how much I THINK I can learn from it, which kinda sucks because I feel so shitty when I don’t do well even though I’ve got interest in them.

Take my voice studies module for example. I thought that it would be a really good module to take and especially useful for improving presentation skills and communicating with others (since people always say they can’t hear me clearly when I speak). I thought that it’d be good for me to take SEA too, to expand my knowledge about my own region – and it is also true that I find the topics discussed during lectures interesting. The same goes for my Einstein, Social psych and Management module – I thought my interest in them would be enough to make me be at the higher end of the bell curve. But no, I’m still stuck at the LHS of the bell curve and it really sucks to know I can’t excel in what I like. Especially when my close or distant friends make it seem so easy to do well.

Now I’m wondering if I really DO like those modules in the first place. Since humans usually have an inaccurate access to their feelings/emotions, perhaps my perceived interest is different from my ACTUAL interest? Sounds reasonable, right?

Yet, I am also aware that this thought it probably all part of Cognitive Dissonance – because being unable to do well in what interest me creates discomfort in my head, so I (unconsciously) search for alternative reasons to explain this result so that I will feel better. All due to the innate need to “Maintain a Positive A Self-Image” .

And now I’m really worried because my upcoming recital on Thursday is worth 50% and if I still can’t bloody hell speak with resonance/chest voice loud and clear so that my 50+ year old teacher can hear me, I can seriously kiss my A goodbye.

But for now, let’s worry about the upcoming Einstein finals on Monday.

“Which of you, by worrying, can add a single hour to your life? If you can’t do this very thing, why do you worry about the rest?“
- Luke 12: 24

“where you live shouldn’t determine whether you live”.

We are not meant to stay wounded. We are supposed to move through tragedies and challenges and help each other move through the many painful episodes of our lives. By remaining stuck in the power of our wounds, we block our own transformation. We block the greater gifts inherent in our wounds – the strength to overcome them and the lessons that we are meant to receive through them. Wounds are the means through which we enter the hearts of other people. They are meant to teach us to become compassionate and wise. “

- Caroline Myss